Drunk Bloggin On A Wednesday: 1/18/2012
January 17, 2012 22 comments
Hey Junkfoodies,
It’s your least favorite blogger, Bauce Sauce aka your favorite black militant friend’s favorite octaroon, here. I’ve been absent for a few weeks, and for that I apologize. I just got a promotion so I’ve been working 60 hour plus weeks, getting certifications (I’m BING certified, bitch!), doing P90x (isn’t the point of doing P90x to tell people you are doing P90x? PS: I’m doing P90x) and planning for the impending birth of my child in the next few weeks. I know what you’re thinking, “NO ONE FUCKING CARES YOU PEDANTIC FAGGOT.” However, needless to say, I’ve been busy and life has been hectic. I feel sorrow when I think of how I have neglected this site and you all. So, I’m going to try and do a post series (hopefully weekly, but perhaps bi-weekly) where I legitimately get drunk and just start typing shit and see what vile prose spews forth from my fingers… I didn’t think of this idea until two minutes ago when I started typing. I don’t plan on editing my post for grammar, and I plan on talking about whatever happens to be on my inebriated brain, music-related or not. One paragraph in, and I already feel like this is a bad idea. I am six Sam Adams Latitude 48 IPAs and 4 Yuenglings deep. Let the roguery ensue.
Fuck Pitbull, LMFAO & Flo Rida
My Alpine Bluetooth adapter was fucking up on my lunch break drive to procure chicken wings to stuff my fat face hole (But I just started P90x bruh). I was forced to listen to the *shudder* RADIO *gasps from the peanut crowd*. It makes me tinkle a little bit in disgust just thinking about it. On my drive to get chicken wings (15 minutes) I heard a Flo Rida song, LMFAO song and a Pitbull song… all of which sounded the same. All of which had no substance. All of which were designed by robots to get Italian meatheads fist pumping and ditzy white bitches dancing (and become more susceptible to fuck outside their race).
What a lot of middle schoolers with Pitbull ringback tones don’t know is that Pitbull used to rap almost exclusively about moving cocaine. He was a part of that Miami upheaval circa 2006-2008 that had Rick Ross leading the charge. Then, after he realized that rapping about one night stands and guest features on Julio Iglesias songs pay much better than trying to prove he is a drug kingpin (sound familiar?), he changed his whole fucking steez. Now he does commercials for Nikon or Cannon (I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE BECAUSE WIKIPEDIA IS SHUT DOWN IN A STOP SOPA EFFORT AND I CAN’T LOOK THAT SHIT UP) and has a minimum of 17 songs on the radio at any given time. Get that gwap, I suppose.
Flo Rida (YOU GET IT FLO RIDA = FLORIDA BC HE’S FROM THERE BUT IT ALSO IS LIKE RIDING A FLOW WHICH IS RAPPING SO IT HAS LIKE TWO MEANINGS) used to be Ricky Rozay’s go-to dude for hooks for mixtape tracks. He would also rap about quasi-street shit. He dropped that miserable one-single-producing “Mail On Sunday” album in 2008 then said “I’m going to make money instead.” Flo Rida makes sure that he has 29 songs or more on the radio at any given time.
Did you know that LMFAO has a credit on Watch The Throne? Yep. They did some extra programming on Lift Off, which makes sense, as it was the worst song on the album. Redfoo and Sky Blu, yeah… those are their names… released the “I’m In Your City Trick” quadruple album. 52 tracks of the same song, except they dub in 52 various city names on the chorus. #BigAssFuckingWhaleCountenace. You can’t get worse pandering than that. All of their music sounds the same and I hate them. So so so so so so sosososososososososo much. Many people don’t know that they were in-laws to Michael Jackson and are direct descendants of Motown founder, Berry Gordy. They could have taken the respectable route, but instead said “Fuck it! Let’s make the soundtrack to surprise club-floor fingerbangs.”
So I get my chicken wings (bacon chipotle-flavored, I know you were thinking it) and get back into my car. I was in The Fresh Market for only 20 minutes. I come back out and hear MORE FUCKING PITBULL. This is what is wrong with America. Not unemployment, not mass foreclosures, not financial corruption. It’s the fact that LMFAO, Pitbull and Flo Rida are able to freely sexually assault our children’s ear drums on an hourly basis. I’m convinced that if Pitbull, LMFAO and Flo Rida did a song together, it would legitimately be the only song the radio would play. Oh, and LMFAO works out… did I mention I’m doing P90x?
“S”-ing Your “B” Hole
This isn’t music related at all, but I thought I should share this with the masculine masses. Guys… you gotta shave your butthole. Not only is it more attractive, but it’s also more functional. For instance, girls aren’t going to want to massage a guy’s prostate while blowing them if they have to fight through a follicle jungle with their index finger. You’ll also be able to more effectively wipe come bowel movement time, as your sphincter hairs won’t harbor dookie particles resulting in a cleaner rectum. Plus, there’s reduced drag when doing activities like jogging and synchronized swimming.
I’ve been “S”-ing by “P,” “T” Sack and “B” Hole since I was in 7th grade. Yes, it makes you feel very pubescent and nubile (but sexy at the same time), but I think the majority of females appreciate the added aesthetics. AND IF YOU ARE A DUDE WHO IS ONLY SHAVING YOUR “BIKINI” AREA (Read: Above Your Dick Shaft Area) AND NOT YOUR SCROTUM, YOU’VE GOT THE GAME ALL FUCKED UP. No lady is going to be like, “Oh, I like this smooth Upper Dick Area… but I LOVE the fact that his balls look like a fuzzy, rotten peach.” Shave that shit. It’s not scary. Just fucking do it.
Also, switch to bikini briefs: not only will it reduce the sweatiness and clamminess that boxers cause, but it will also almost eliminate that “boiled peanut” smell. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T.
The New Breed of Rappers
I love the fact that there is a new breed of rappers that are starting to take over: Action Bronson, Danny Brown, Das Racist. It’s no longer a “young man’s game” as Danny is 30 and Action is 27 (“old” by today’s standards). I can appreciate this because I’m 25 years old and over the hill. I don’t understand young whippersnappers now a days, and am generally confused at their antics. I find myself trying to tell them how great the 90′s were. What I also enjoy is that Action Bronson was a highly-talented chef and one day was just like “Let me see if I can do this rap shit,” and he did. Das Racist puts out super solid material that is purchased and downloaded tens of thousand times over despite Heems touting on songs and Twitter that he just raps because it’s easy and makes money and he gets free drinks. “I don’t even like to rhyme, love, but love this life of mine.” – The Inimitable Cam’ron, seems so apropos. Look at the XXL Freshmen nominees. Most of those guys are in their mid 20′s or 30′s and been grinding for a while. It’s a beautiful time for hip hop.
Artists and Social Media
A few weeks ago, blogosphere heartthrob Azealia Banks got twat-hurt when Kreayshawn retweeted a post from Porn Hub that included a Banks link with the attached text of “I Guess These Cunts Getting Eaten.” Banks took offense and the following interchange took place:
Azealia Banks: @Kreayshawn you think you’re funny? You’re a dumb bitch. And you can’t rap. I’ll sit on your face. … Fall back slut
Azealia Banks: This is how bitches wanna start the new year? They want their mics ate this early? Omfg. Why fuck with me tho? What have I ever said about you or done to you for that matter? Ok. Ok. I’m done. This is silly.
Kreayshawn: Huh? What did I do to you? I’ve been listening to your music all month. Strange. Stranger! [According to Digital Spy this Tweet was deleted]
Kreayshawn: Did I just get smashed on twitter because I was supporting a fellow female? I sure did… *confused*
Azealia Banks: whatever. Of All the things to rt, u rt something from pornhub. pick your fights more wisely. And when u do pick one don’t switch it up once someone’s at your neck.
Azealia Banks: you’re always tryna be cute and funny but your not built for it. Really your (sic) not.
Azealia Banks: Ok. From now on I will no longer react to any shade thrown my way. Especially if said shade thrower is trying to be subliminal and sideways. Subliminal shots are #pussy …. And not the good kind.
Not only was that stupid, but it showed how much of a egoist Azealia is. She started shit because she jumped to conclusions. In the end, she looked like an idiot. Personally, I didn’t see anything special about her, but after that I decided to swear her off for good.
Artists just don’t understand how to properly use Social Media. I’m not saying that every artist should be like Ashton Kutcher and hand their Twitter & Facebook feed over to an agency, but they just aren’t smart. They think it’s a “personal” account. However, it’s really their brand. Their name is their brand and “lashing out irrationally” (shouts to The Santa Clause refernce) doesn’t do anything but negatively impact that.
A couple months back I was sending several tweets with the hashtag #TerribleRapperNames e.g. Willy Northpole and Roscoe P. Coldchain. I used Mr. Muthafuckin’ eXquire as one, as well. A day later I get confronted by… and I’m not lying here… his “Creative Director and Idea Curator,” who retaliates in a terribly unclever manner. We proceed to go back and forth. I tell him that I was actually a fan of MME… he tells me that I should “know how it goes.” More back and forth. Him saying he “would expect the same.” He then hits me with this wonderful retaliation right before he reads my bio and sees I write/moderate for Rap Genius, now his whole disrespectful attitude switches with this tweet. Give me a fucking break.
The problem with the ease of access and ubiquity (pretty good for being drunk right?) of social media is that artists don’t have direction by an agency or wise manager. They alienate fans and lose revenue by having knee jerk reactions and conflicts over the Internet. As a result, I personally will never listen or support anything that Azealia Banks or Mr. Muthafuckin’ eXquire, which is a shame because I happened to like their work.
Side Note: If you put the name Mr. Muthafuckin’ eXquire in a tweet with a negative connotation, he will say something to you. He has “google alerts” (as he said to our boy Catf1sh [which isn't possible because Google Alerts don't scour twitter {probably a saved Twitter search}]) set up for his name. He’s like the fucking Candyman.
Losing Weight
So, my boss decided to pay 85% of employee’s gym membership rates and I’m trying to lose all this lard I’ve been carrying around since college (Note to high schoolers: Don’t drink a 2-Liter of Cheerwine a day, the results are not good). I’ve been doing P90x (did I mention that?) at my old high school, with my old high school basketball coach (Here’s a pic of me during the state championship game) and I was wondering if any of you Junkfoodies were fitness freaks who could give me some insight into the best diet to lose weight. Should I take supplements or start smoking weed and hope my metabolism increases? Or both? Just wanted some help because the person who loses the most body fat percentage gets a cash prize, and I want the cash to spend on peyote. Seriously, any help would be appreciated. I’ve also been doing cardio on off days, running about 3 miles in the evening.
Conclusion
I ran out of beer, time to close up shop. 14 beers were consumed leading up to and during the writing of this post. I really would like to hear back from you guys. Suggestions for weight loss? What do you think of artists using their social media pages? Would you do the same thing I did by boycotting artists based on principles? Should I keep doing these? Should I fuck SOPA in its grimy civil liberty-raping, cavernous asshole? Ladies, is Marc a dude you have on your “sex bucket list?” Any other dudes rock bikini briefs? Ladies, what is your opinion on bikini briefs or guys shaving their “B” hole? Will radio ever be salvageable/decent? What do you guys think of Flo Rida/Pitbull/LMFAO?
I know that’s a lot of questions, but you guys usually don’t interact with us and I am genuinely interested in your feedback. Is this type of post series something you would read? Is it too weird/off the wall? Are there other topics/things you’d like me to drunkenly talk about? Oh fuck, in my stream of conciousness writing and trying to focus on not making grammar errors… I just urinated a smidge in my bikini briefs. Not to worry, it was absorbed, but still that just happened. Plus, I gotta get up in 3 hours to do P90x because I’m doing P90x. I think I need to go now. Okay. Thanks. Bye.
