June 18, 2012 4 comments
Growing up, you have to do things that you don’t want to do. Your parents usually tell you that it “builds character” (gotta love those arbitrary, don’t question my authority excuses). What you don’t know at the time is that anything and everything you do will later serve you in life. If you are a dude who was forced to play piano, you’ll later use that skill to impress a ditzy chick and give her a three-finger arpeggio ifyaknowwhatimean. I’m here today to give you young’ns some insight, some… homework if you will. Learn the lyrics to pop songs, specifically boy band songs of the 80’s, 90’s and 2000’s. Wait! Don’t leave! Don’t scoff! Don’t roll your eyes! I’m serious.
There will be an occasion where you are stringently trying to seduce a lady at a party or a bar. It’s going great but you just don’t know how to take it over the top and seal the deal. Suddenly, a song from some random boy band will begin to blare. She’ll begin to sing, and if you know the lyrics and can cornily karaoke away with her, you will own her soul and her panties and her labia majora (and subsequently the minora, as well). Conversely, if you don’t know them, you’ll just have to sit there and absorb the barrage of “You don’t know this song?” and “I can’t believe you don’t know this song!” and “You must have a tiny, unsatisfying penis if you don’t know this song… I’m going to recount this tale to all my girlfriends and post on various social media sites that you don’t know the lyrics to this song and that you have a tiny, unsatisfying penis” comments. Your dreams and life will be shattered. So, do yourself a favor and become intimate with the following essential boy band songs that you need to have in your repertoire. Good luck in your future quest for punani.
MoBetta: “It’s the S-L-I-M.” From the moment these letters are uttered, the ladies’ waistlines will be anything but as they indulge in this caloric gem. “Peaches and Cream” was released in 2001 as the second single off of 112’s album, Part III. Prior to this record, the group already had a bedroom banger with “Anywhere,” but this track upped the ante. Just take a look at the hook. “Peaches and cream. I need it cause you know that I’m a fiend. Gettin’ freaky in my Bentley limousine. It’s even better when it’s with ice cream.” Seriously, fellas, these lyrics are so direct don’t be surprised if you have her tasting your ice cream before the song’s bridge. But you wanna to know what makes this song truly special? All of its raunchiness is hidden under the guise of supermarket produce.
TBKA: When this song first came out, I was in middle school and knew absolutely nothing about sex. The only thing I knew was boobies. That’s it. So when a girl in my history class wrote me a note explaining what the “peaches” and “cream” in the song symbolized, I was flabbergasted, yet intrigued at the same time. 11 years later and I’m all about the peaches and cream. Thank you, 112, for planting that raunchy little seed back in 2001. I know a few ladies who are appreciative as well—gigigty.
Bauce: I actually bought 112 and Room 112 and I’ll be damned if I didn’t sing the shit out of those songs to every girl I could. Slim is the R&B gawd. With that said, the quickest way to a woman’s heart is through her vagina (metaphorically, anatomically I think piercing the left breastbone/sternum is the quickest way to her heart [but I’m no surgeon]). The one downside with this song is that you can’t sing this and get her all hot, bothered and dewy in her downstairs area and then not be good with mouth sex. You know your skill set. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. This track is powerful. It’ll only take half the song before you go from cunnling to cuddling. Bonus points if your Lil Zane wave cap is flapping in the wind.
MoBetta: I’m pretty sure Nick Lachey used this song to get Jessica Simpson and the even hotter Vanessa Minnillo… well, that and those
underoverstated, but effective arm motions. Act out your feelings so she knows it’s real.
Bauce: 98 Degrees existed through sheer will and determination. The boy band game was already clogged and dominated by BSB and *NSYNC, but they took a different route with more ballads and lovey-dovey stuff instead of over-produced pop tracks. If you have a buddy and can harmonize those verse lyrics a la the Brothers Lachey, let’s just say an Eiffel Tower may be happening later. This song separates the Nick Lachey’s from the Justin Jeffre’s (who doesn’t even have a fucking wikipedia page). Pro tip: after you seduce your female counterpart, as you get into bed after half-disrobing each other and you have that one moment where you can say something sexy/funny right before the fuckfest starts… just stand there in your boxers and say “This boner… it’s all… it’s all because of you.”
MoBetta: Before attempting this song, I recommend you find 3 other friends on a mission to GTD. The novelty of this song is the 4 part harmony, and you ain’t getting nothing without it. As a side note, I recently played this song in a cafe, and no less than 5 people turned around and started singing the lyrics. One girl even busted out an interpretive dance. This song is powerful. Use it wisely.
TBKA: You want to guarantee that you keep a chick who looks like a bag of money? Start making promises about all the nice shit you’ll do for her. Stuff like, “I promise I’ll never hit you, unless you deserve it” or “I would never cheat on you, but if I did, I wouldn’t tell you because I know that would hurt your feelings. I care too much about you to hurt your feelings.” Women like to feel like you’re going the extra mile for them. With that said, the next time you’re with your queen, throw on “I Swear” and start promising her the world. Tears of joy won’t be the only things dropping that night.
MoBetta: Continuing the quest to get the drawlz, we arrive at B2K’s biggest hit on the Billboard Hot 100. Written by R.Kelly with a guest feature from Diddy, this song’s inclusion shouldn’t come as a surprise. We’ve all
witnessed heard about Kellz’s “technique” in bedroom, and, besides Nick Cannon, Diddy probably has one of THE BEST batting averages when it comes to industry women. So if you’re looking to land your own J.Lo, it’s time to get memorizing. By the way, you’ll get bonus points if you can produce an old picture of yourself wearing a name belt, and braids with baby hair.
Bauce: Trill talk. I actually landed Mrs. Bauce by knowing all the lyrics to this track, including “bad boy” A.J.’s adlibs. The good part about this song is that there are only like 10 words to learn as they just repeat the same thing multiple times. I fingerbanged a chick in 8th grade at Halloween because I crooned this song perfectly. It should be noted at the time I was dressed as Britney Spears in a tube top and mini-skirt (complete with make-up). That’s that real game, fellas. This song is invaluable.
MoBetta: From the moment the Casio comes in, you know it’s not a game. You either give all or nothing when it comes to this song. So hit the nearest fan, fling open your button up, and drop to your knees just after the bridge. It works every time.
Bauce: If you have just the right amount of well-manscaped body hair you’ll be knee deep in all types of muff stuff. You won’t even know what to do with all that muff stuff. Just be sure you know where the emergency exits to her butt are… ya know, in case you almost drown in her pussy.
Jessie: Hanson was the band that made us all stop and ask “are they girls or are they boys?” But what we didn’t question was how infectious their song was. Not to mention the music video they tried to jam every 1997 special effect into one music video. The song brings back vivid memories of frolicking everywhere in the 90s. Play this for a girl this summer and you are sure to get everywhere with her.
TBKA: In 2012, would I recommend playing Hanson in the whip while attempting to get a jawn to toss you the drawlz? No. However, would I recommend you turning to her and saying, “As soon as we get home I’m going to MMMBop that ass from the back?” Yes, yes I would. For that alone, Hanson deserves eternal props.
Bauce: I got a chick’s house phone number in 7th grade in a Shoe Carnival while this song was playing. She was trying on shoes and I walked over and said “Hey, I found a glass slipper in the other aisle, and since you’re the only Princess I see here, it’s got to be yours, right?” I don’t know if it was my corny opening line or the fact that the melodious prepubescent crooning of three androgynous brothers, but I think it was probably a combination of both. One of the best aspects of this particular song is that the verse lyrics are nominal. No one REALLY knows them (or can understand them) and the chorus’s lyrics are just guttural nonsense noises “Mmmbop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du” just make sure you channel every ounce of energy you have into that “YEAH-e-yeah-ah!” Game. Panties.
TBKA: Regardless of when you were born, everyone knows The Jackson 5 were the ultimate boy-band. Hoes love Michael, especially back when he was a baby. Before Jonathan Taylor Thomas was even a thing, MJ was entertainment’s No.1 heartthrob. “I Want You Back” is one of the Jacksons’ most famous songs and can pretty much loosen up any mood. This Summer, when you see that one honey dip you have to have at your friend’s cookout, wait for this song to come on before going for the kill. Guarantee she’ll look at you with the this-magic-moment eyes. The drawlz are all yours after that.
MoBetta: This song had it all. A catchy beat, infectious hook, and a guest rap from Mr. “Hot in Herre” himself. Eleven years later this song is still a staple at all the parties, so it better be a staple in your lyrical repertoire. By the way, when they ask which side “runs this motha for ya” be sure to choose the side she reps.
TBKA: Where the party at, durty? In her pants if you know all the words to this song. Let me paint the picture:
It’s the third Wednesday of the month, the designated night your entire office goes to the karaoke bar across town. You and the new hot girl who sits by the water cooler get paired up and randomly decide to do Jagged Edge’s “Where the Party at.” The music comes on and you guys absolutely kill it. She nails all of the JE hooks and you knock Nelly’s verse out of the park, so much so that the entire place erupts in a roar of applause when you guys finish. By the time you walk off the stage all of your co-workers are offering to buy you guys drinks, which you happily accept. Next thing you know you two are hammered and your buddy is telling her how cute you think she is. An hour and a half later and you’re having sex with her in your apartment with the Netflix home screen sitting on your television.
Now I may or may not have loosely based this hypothetical situation off of 500 Days of Summer, but if it can happen to Joseph Gordon-Levitt it can surely happen to you.
MoBetta: I didn’t eat Chinese food for three months after listening to this song. That’s a testament to how influential it truly is.
Bauce: RIP Rich Cronin. If you didn’t know Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets, we can’t be besties. With more non-sequitirs than a Family Guy episode, this song is the most enigmatic of boy band songs. And with great mystery comes the opportunity to attract lady females. Play this (and appreciate it unironically) at the beach as you throw a frisbee with your dog and there will be mersluts dragging their half-ichthyic bodies out of the sea begging you to satisfy them as only a drylander (their word not mine) can. BEWARE THOUGH: GIRLS WHO ARE STILL WEARING ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH IN 2012 WILL FUCK YOU BEYOND YOUR SEXUAL CAPACITY OF FUCKING SO BE WARNED YOU GUYS. USE THIS ONE WITH CAUTION!!!
MoBetta: Follow these steps, and these steps only. Learn the chorus, practice your dreamy eyes (pay attention to 0:33-0:34 for guidance), and sing directly to your chosen target. After calling her Beyonce, Madonna, Janet, and Jennifer, she’ll be ready to have a liquid dream in no time.
TBKA: A lot of people forget that O-Town was the first musical act assembled through the reality show “Making the Band.” Women loved this song. Know why? Because they don’t mind being compared to other attractive women. With most men, if you tell them they look like celebrity A or B, they probably won’t be too flattered. But tell a woman she has lips like Scarlett Johansson or an ass that mirrors Kim Kardashian’s and that’s game, set and match. She’ll be blushing on both sets of cheeks.
Jessie: No strings attached; it’s what every guy wants. Unfortunately, it probably won’t happen. On the plus side, anytime you say bye to a girl, you know they’ll want you more. This truth is timeless, which is maybe why Foster the People sensing everyone getting a little tired of them channeled their best Bye Bye Bye into their newest music video.
Bauce: Just don’t do the J timberlake fro; that will not get you the drawlz (though truth be told I did try to get that haircut when I was in middle school… but then I pussed out when I was gonna have to get a perm). To really seal the deal, become proficient with a marionette. You do that and the the lady hoes will flock to you with panties removed. There are two things bitches like: manatees and marionettes.
PS: The two things bitches WANT is money and dick… and I’m a little short on both.
MoBetta: This, guys, is how you make prepubescent vocals sound cool! Be sure to use that falsetto sparingly though. I still remember girls’ excitement when this song came on at the skating rink, and it generates that same reaction years later. This song is bubblegum pop greatness.
Bauce: If you look dead into her eyes and say “Boo, you are my candy girl… and I want to start a fire in your denim-covered crotch,” you will walk away, at the minimum, with an awkward over the jeans rub-down session. Everybody wins here.
MoBetta: This song may not be the best choice for a Friday night selection considering it could lead to either 10 minutes of bliss or a lifetime of regrets and alimony (maybe both). But the purpose of this article is to get you the drawlz, and this song will do it. Besides the brownie points you’ll win singing lyrics like “Full of junk at the club on bump, like what, I had to have you babe” or “Either braids or weave, skirt or jeans, you’re still my queen,” the song even allows for a brief duet before it fades out. It’s practically a modern day take on a Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell classic.
MoBetta: This song is built around a sample of the Isley Brothers’ “Between The Sheets” and a chorus that modifies the lyrics to Salt-N-Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex.” If you sing this song, and DON’T get the drawlz, you suck. Straight up.
TBKA: Not sure if any of you have ever actually had phone sex before, but it actually works exactly how Pretty Ricky describes it in the song. When you’re lonely, horny and on the phone with the person you wish you were powerbombing onto a silk pillow, shit happens. The fact that Pleasure P and co. crafted an R&B anthem about the act was just way too perfect.
Bauce: I have had phone sex, TBKA. Fun Real-Life Bauce Sauce fact, as a kid I used to call up phone sex hotlines and chat it up all erotic. This was a time really before the Internet was a huge thing so I would just dial 1-800 then string together whatever types of sexy words my 6th grade self knew:
Apparently, the only carnal adjective I knew at the time was “hot.” Regardless, my favorite one was the voyeurs hotline because I could listen in to other people having phone sex. I did this for about a month until my parents got their $100+ phone bill. Oh well. What’s truly special about this song is that it played alllllllll the time on the radio, proving once again that people don’t listen to the lyrics. But, if you do, and you can croon them to a special lady of interest, you can be *69’ing each other’s brains out in no time.
You have just been given a road map to attain the underpants of every girl that grew up in the 90’s. Use them wisely. Girls like when a guy doesn’t take him self so seriously, and that’s what knowing these songs will do for you. I hope none of you ever have to deal with a girl posting “You must have a tiny, unsatisfying penis if you don’t know this song… I’m going to recount this tale to all my girlfriends and post on various social media sites that you don’t know the lyrics to this song and that you have a tiny, unsatisfying penis” Internet comments about you. To protect yourself, do your groundwork. Be prepared. I guarantee an opportunity will arise in the next month where you can these drawlz-seducing boy band songs will help you in your quest for carnal passion. You’ll stop for a beat and think “Thank you Mostly Junkfood… thank you.”