May 20, 2012 5 comments
Whattup y’all, this is the one-of-many cracker boyz from the great area of New England LoneXionc here, and I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it’s been a busy week; maybe you’re all tired from the workweek; maybe you just graduated college and are headed home (I know the struggle, I shed some tears, I keep it 100); maybe your mom’s been on your back about getting some job security when all you want is to go back to school and LEAVE ME ALONE MOM I NEED THESE PEANUT BUTTER PRETZELS.
With the formalities aside, I’d like to introduce you to the first of what I hope will become a weekly feature here on the greatest website this side of YouPorn. In this feature, I’ll be going to the “I hate you so fucking much but goddammit, there’s no place else to go” site of Datpiff, and checking out the so-called “hottest” free mixtape of the week. I will then go track-by-track and give you my thoughts on it, rating each track between 0 and 5 MJF burgers. Let’s review:
5 Burgers – If you don’t have this track on your iPod, I will beat you to death with an oar
4 Burgers – This joint bangs, but I can see why you wouldn’t dig it if you don’t
3 Burgers – Mediocre, decent but not memorable joint right here
2 Burgers – This has the musical relevance of a skit on Late Registration
1 Burger – Delete this song as soon as you download the mixtape
0 Burgers – If you have this track on your iPod, I will beat you to death with an oar
Now, the purpose of this feature is multiple-fold: first, it gives me an opportunity to evaluate new talent in the game, as the artists I see on the page aren’t necessarily that well known. Second, if the tape is good, the artist might feel the need to send a few Washingtons my way (hinthintPayolahint). Third, if the tape is bad, I can put all the blame on Datpiff for being a fuckboy website that wouldn’t know decent design, organization or interface even if it was a giant dildo slapping the owner in the face.
Now, onto the review:
DMX – The Weigh In
Okay, look: I know I said this would give me an opportunity to evaluate *new* talent. And, well, everyone knows DMX. Even so, DMX pops up at the top of the “hottest” mixtapes list. Whose fault is that? Datpiff. So bitch at them.
Despite being one of the best MCs in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, DMX has fallen off. This can be explained pretty easily: when you’re high as fuck driving around JFK Airport and you get caught with a dashboard full of blow, that’s a pretty easy sign that troubled times are ahead. Impersonating an FBI agent when you’re one of the most recognizable rappers on the planet? That’s just fucking special. Tons of arrests, pleas and jail time later, and Dark Man is back.
X might come across as an idiot to some, a menace to society to others, but to me, he’s like Charlie Brown. He keeps on trying to kick that football called “getting control of your life”, but every time he’s about to kick it, that bitch “Susie Addiction” pulls it away. It’s a sad tale of heartbreak and redemption, one that I hope X can sort out. The Weigh In, DMX’s first original musical effort since 2006, could help X regain some of that growling, bitterly homophobic market he corned some years earlier. Let’s get into it, shall we?
Track #1 – The Weigh In Intro
…it’s an intro. Listen to it once, then delete it. That’s standard LoneXionc policy.
N/A / 5 Burgers
Track #2 – Where I Wanna Be (feat. Big Stan)
What the fuck is this hook? I’m so confused right off the bat. Despite the years off, X sounds ab– oh wow, this is bad. This audio quality… I can hear the room X recorded his vocals in more than I can hear the vocals themselves. It’s like he recorded this in a goddamn cathedral. DMX set his mic and MacBook up in the laundry room of his apartment complex and went to town. I can tell he’s swaying back and forth while spitting because it gets louder and softer randomly. Even so, he’s spitting what I expect from X: some introspective shit and some spontaneous anger, but it’s nearly unintelligible. Big Stan took the time to record his verse in a dead location, and it’s pretty nice. “Please forgive the chill I know you feel when you’re around me” is probably the best line of the song. This is not X’s finest work. In fact, it’s pretty poor comparably. And the audio quality makes it near unlistenable.
Track #3 – Shit Don’t Change (feat. Snoop Dogg)
Snoop and DMX? I mean, I guess they’re both dogs, so it works. OH THANK GOD THE AUDIO’S BETTER. Now I can understand X. Again, the hook is working against him — Snoop’s chill vibes mixing with X’s aggression makes little sense. Possible shot at Riff Raff, but maybe that’s just my inner Bart Simpson tattoo fanboy… Wait, is Snoop even going to get a verse? He’s not? Wow, what a pointless feature. Track ends with a minute-and-a-half of an adlibbed conversation/self-promotion extravaganza. Props for the “RIP Nate Dogg” shout, though.
Track #4 – Last Hope Skit
N/A / 5 Burgers
Track #5 – On the Frontline
Alright, this beat is dope. The hook is poppy, which is odd, but it works. “I’m slippin’, fallin’, I can’t get up / but this time I’m outta control, I don’t give a fuck!” Dope. Chronicling past record sales is kinda lazy, but because he’s so aggy, it sounds nice. No real lyrical gems here, but a solid track.
Track #6 – Lil Wayne Interlude
Why are half this tape’s tracks interludes? It’s getting annoying as fuck.
N/A / 5 Burgers
Track #7 – Where My Dogs At
Digging the beat. Fits X’s personality perfectly. “There’s a new sheriff in town / just been reelected” – nice. X is at his best when talking about how he’s going to fuck you up, and that’s what this track is from beginning to end. Growls and all. This is just fiery. No complaints.
Track #8 – Tyrese Interlude
Oh my GOD. Get the fuck out my speakers with these filler tracks.
N/A / 5 Burgers
Track #9 – That’s My Baby (feat. Tyrese)
Tyrese? Okay, sure, X, whatever you want. I guess this is Dark Man’s equivalent of a love song, although it still sounds like he wants to suffocate his girl in the trunk of his car. Tyrese and DMX do not mix. In any way, shape or form. “What we feel is so real it’s straight through the ceiling” – what? DMX professing his love for his significant other is both surprisingly nice and terribly strange to hear. “Since 14 I would fool with her” – Whoa, man, too much information. I cannot stress how little sense this hook makes. The beat is pretty nice, though, so I can’t front on that.
Track #10 – DJ Envy Interlude
Pulling audio right from The Breakfast Club? Why not just shorten the tracklist and stop wasting my time? Cool story, though.
N/A / 5 Burgers
Track #11 – Wright or Wrong
Now THIS is what I’ve been waiting for, man. Pure, unadulterated rawness. Dope beat, dope drum fills, rapping about mans acting like bitches — this is DMX. Not that lovey dovey crap, just straight dog-barking madness. That said, this isn’t a single. It’s not to that level. But it does make me want to hear more. Unfortunately, it’s the last track on the mixtape too. Poor timing, X. “Sitting on ten whips, a few chips / and a thing with the laser on the hip if you slip” – Fuck yeah.
So, is Datpiff right in calling this a “hot” mixtape? Download wise, you’d have to say so. But luckily for me, I don’t subscribe to those standards. I’m about the quality. And as far as quality, this shit is not hot. It’s lukewarm at best. The audio quality is all over the place, there’s an egregious amount of filler, and most of the actual tracks are just plain boring. “Where My Dogs At” and “Wright or Wrong” kept me interested enough to finish it off, but I have no intention of listening to this tape again. I might delete everything but those two tracks.
Ruling – NOT HOT
There you have it, the first installment of “Hot or Not?”. Since this is a test run for the post, please let me know what you think in the comments, hit it up on Facebook and Twitter to spread that love, and don’t sugarcoat it. Peace out, young world!