June 5, 2013 3 comments
The show we’ve all come to love — the story of a wealthy family that lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together — returned for fifteen episodes over the Memorial Day weekend. Some of us binge watched it as soon as it came out. Some waited a few days. Some of us are savoring the episodes while we can. So, for the patient folks, this here list has no spoilers.
In honor of the resurrection of an American classic, I’ll answer the question you’ve always or most likely never wondered. What rapper is just like Tobias? Or GOB? Here are those answers.
George Bluth Sr. : Rick Ross
George Bluth Sr. kind of ended up in jail for something he wasn’t completely responsible for. He’s not a criminal, just like Rick Ross. The probability of Rick Ross actually having been a drug dealer is pretty slim, perhaps about a billion to one. For starters he stole his name Rick Ross from a real life drug kingpin. He’s mentioned selling dope on an IPhone which is a rookie mistake. The Wire taught me that. Ricky Rozay was also a security guard, which is understandable. A job is a job, it’s hard out there. But, the rent-a-cop world and the drug kingpin worlds are far apart. Sorry Ross. You put lies all in your verses, but we knew it.
Michael Bluth: Jay Z
Both of these guys can’t stay away. Jay Z can’t stay away from the rap game. He’ll be the first geriatric rapper on the stage with a cane—not because it’s a fashion accessory—but because he’ll need it. As we all know, Michael threatens to leave the family countless times and he’s always right back. Be on the lookout for Jay Z making a reconnection with the ol’ Roc La Familia in due time. He misses Dame, I know he does.
George Michael Bluth: Drake
George Michael is softer than an Ikea duvet. Especially when it comes to women. Remember when he cried and moped around because that Ann girl dumped him? Yeah, her. The man is madly in love with his cousin. All of these girl problems can only be paired with the a rapper who has an “experience shower” that sprays “lavender”—Drizzy Drake. Though, we may all love “Marvin’s Room,” because we’ve all been there before, that doesn’t make it right. We feel embarrassed the next morning for the Drakian levels of simpness.
Also, Cera is Canadian who stared on an awesome television show when he was a kid. They’re practically twinsies.
Lucille Bluth: Puff Daddy
Puff Daddy probably has his cereal with Ciroc in it and Lucille Bluth’s idea of breakfast is a dirty martini. Puffy’s unabashed rudeness and insistence on making people do weird shit for him make these two a match made in Heaven.
Byron ‘Buster’ Bluth: Kanye West
Kanye West has a Oedipal complex. I feel badly for saying this, but imagine the spiral Buster Bluth would go through if Lucille passed. Kanye freaked the fuck out when Donda West departed the Earth. He wore a mullet and dated Amber Rose. He began crying on stage and invented the free-rant. It’s safe to say Kanye is somewhat of an idiot savant. He just never stops doing stupid shit and is a pure maniacal genius when it comes to music. The jury is still out on Buster’s special skill though.
Maeby Fünke: Nicki Minaj
Diva for diva. Maeby was the hard-ass child Hollywood executive. This is a job she never should have gotten based soley off of the fact that she was not all that skilled at it. There was really only the one hit, “Gangy.” Needless to say, Nicki Minaj makes what we call music, but I’m not entirely sure if those sounds and words she puts together can legitimately qualify for that. Tell her that and she’ll think that you’re being sexist. “You don’t critique Wayne on his bad music,” she’ll say. Well, yes we do. Also, she has this weird relationship with Young Money labelmate Drake. It seems like Drake is truly in love with Nicki and Nicki isn’t really concerned with him at all.
Lindsay Fünke: Paris Hilton
Granted Paris Hilton isn’t a rapper per say, but she is officially a member of the rap world. Both of these gals are heiresses, have an IQ that is similar to the average fahrenheit of winters on the East Coast, enter half baked charity causes that they don’t legitimately care about and are a slave to the designer label.
Tobias Fünke: A$AP Rocky
A$AP Rocky says he isn’t gay, but he calls himself that “Pretty Motherfucker” and “Pretty Flacko.” He’s been… er… “accused” of being gay countless times and his interest in fashion has gotten so serious that he’s done some male modeling. For all we know Rocky isn’t gay. Why shouldn’t we just believe the sexual exploits he put on his records? But, For all we know he isn’t straight. Plenty of evidence points us in both directions just like the former doctor Tobias Funke. After, all of the gay stuff he does and says we still have no clue if Tobias is actually gay or not. It’s entirely ambiguous. You know what Tobias is definitely gay. A$AP … maybe. But dude, whatever way you swing, love is love or in your case its probably — a mouth is a mouth.
George Oscar “GOB” Bluth: Lil Wayne
If had to choose one character to straight up go Cheddar Bob and shoot them self like Lil Wayne did it would be GOB. That’s because he did something very similar and stabbed him self with a sword. GOB is always getting himself into some sort of issue because of his erratic personality as is Lil Wayne who is the master illusionist, making everyone actually think he was the best rapper alive.
Oscar Bluth: Snoop Dogg
Both of these guys are worthless hippie stoners. Nothing really needs to be said further than that.
Bob Lablaw: Future
What the fuck are you saying?
Steve Holt: DMX
Neither of these dudes use their inside voices, especially when it comes to shouting their name.
Kitty Sanchez: Lil Kim
You’ve at least kind of seen Lil Kim’s boobs, right? You’ve kind of seen Kitty’s breasts a billion times. That’s not what really even brings these two together. They fuck their bosses and tend to think they’re really in some sort of relationship with them. George Bluth Sr.: Kitty Sanchez. Biggie Smalls: Lil Kim.
Ann Veal: Memphis Bleek
Him? Jay Z, Memphis Bleek will in fact be a hit away his whole career.
Barry Zuckercorn: Shawn Corey Carter
Yup. Jay Z is on this list twice. Once as a the rapper and once as the president of Def Jam. Jay Z was perhaps one of the most incompetent record executives in the history of music. When he was the president of Def Jam nobody won at life besides Rihanna (still a star) Ne-Yo (is he still alive?) and Kanye (was already a star). Everybody else’s career either never took off or died a slow painful death. Meanwhile, Barry Zuckercorn is the worst lawyer of all time giving legal gems like “a husband and wife can’t be tried for the same crime.”
Lupe: Fonzworth Bentley
Remember when Fonzworth Bentley was Puff Daddy’s maid? Yeah you do. Remember when he tried to be a rapper? Let me refresh your memory or give you one.
Lucille Austero: Arrested Development
The group has the same name as the more important and more popular show. Poor Lucille 2. Poor Arrested Development. Tennessee is a solid song though.
Annyong Bluth: Psy
I feel like I’m missing someone… or something…
Franklin Delano Bluth: LL Cool J
… because you know, it ain’t easy being white and it aint easy being brown.