Taskforce: Protect Young Thug At All Costs

February 27, 2014 1 comment
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Photo via Cam Kirk.

Sometimes the Internet feels like a dystopian universe, fueling itself with a need to hate everything and jump to conclusions based off of nothing more than, “I think this because I can and because I think this, it’s correct.” Don’t get me wrong; the Internet is a beautiful place, full of inquiry, learning, and Netflix. But it’s also a breeding ground for the legion of fuckboys to emerge from their hovels, waiting to prey on the next unsuspecting topic. The fuckboy is ever-present, lashing out with a #wellactually when you’re most vulnerable.

Fuckboys come in all shapes and sizes, in real life and on the Internet. Tragically, you might have one in your family right now; don’t worry it’s not too late to cure them of their affliction. Fuckboy anamalia—the scientific name of the fuckboy kingdom—thrive on feeding off of hate and sadness because their lives are unfulfilled and they fill that void with malice. Fuckboys are nothing if they do not hate something on the Internet.

Fuckboys flourish in arenas where anonymity reigns and they can say things with little to no consequence while garnering an almost immediate response. Fuckboys especially love to jump to conclusions when they’re presented with a claim that has minimal supporting evidence. This is evident in practically all areas of anything that can be discussed on the Internet, but none more than when it comes to Young Thug.

Young Thug is a genius—I’ll live and die by that statement. He’s currently the next artist up in the pool of up-and-comers, recently signing to Young Money after his explosion onto the scene last year. He’s creative; he’s inimitable. His siren-like croon is messy, but just as it starts to get away from him, he hones it right back to create a matchless sound—it’s sporadic mixed with the right amount of formulaic. He’s able to bend words and sounds to create sonic masterpieces. He’s the Michelangelo of rap.

He’s a strange dude. He’s tall and gangly, covered in tattoos, and prone to wearing berets and dresses as shirts instead of whatever men are supposed to wear, according to society. He calls his close friends—some of them male—endearing terms like “my love” and “babe.” He goes against many of the societal gender norms, which is off-putting to some people because we tend to classify things that are different as dangerous.

The pinnacle of fuckery that the Internet participates in is inferring that Young Thug is gay because he’s different than what it’s used to. They don’t say that he’s gay because he is actually gay; no, they infer it because someone who wears a dress as a shirt can’t possibly be straight. That would go against the traditional construct of everything we know to be true in the hyper-masculine, testosterone-ridden world of hip-hop.

So what if Young Thug wants to wear a dress as a t-shirt? Here is a list of alphets in which Young Thug will fuck your bitch: dress worn as a shirt, bandana pants, flower print jacket, pirate shirt + Rastafarian hat + French monarch blazer, and anything else he has worn on his Instagram. So what if Young Thug refers to his close, male friends as “my love” or “babe”? The beautiful thing about being a human is that you can express deep, platonic love for another human in the form of friendship. Having a deep enough connection with someone that you’re willing to call “my love” is beautiful and inspiring.

In reality, who cares if Young Thug is gay? I don’t; you shouldn’t. Someone’s sexual orientation isn’t defining of the quality of music that a person can produce. Plus, what evidence is the Internet using as its backbone for these claims? The only bases that people have for making the claim that he is gay are snippets of his social media accounts. Beautifully crafted, non-traditional, next level alphets and endearing messages to friends using loving descriptors does not a gay person make.

Perhaps instead of trying to solve—this isn’t True Detective; you’re not Rust Cohle—the mystery of whether or not Young Thug is gay, we can focus on important things like his music. Or, better yet; we can get to the bottom of a long list of questions surrounding Young Thug that actually need answering. Here are the three most pressing questions that, if we put our collective Internet heads together, we can solve.

1. Why are midgets such an integral motif in Thugger’s music?

Young Thug is prone to using the term “midget” in a descriptive manner and no one has figured out why. Is this because he has many midget friends and is openly supportive of the midget community? Is it because saying your money “stands eight feet tall like two midgets” serves as a much more vivid portrayal of the racks he has acquired? Is the term “midget” even politically correct? Thugger seems incredibly sincere in his motives, not aiming to objectify the little people community in any way. It may just boil down to “money stand eight feet tall like two little people” sounds much less concise than using “midget.”

2. Can Young Thug really fit 50 naked bitches on a banana boat?

Fitting 50 naked women on a banana boat without capsizing seems like a pipe dream. 50 naked women is an exorbitant amount of weight to be supported by a banana boat, regardless of how skinny they are. This doesn’t even take into account that Young Thug himself might be on the boat. I doubt Thugger is spectating from a separate boat, so you would have to factor in his weight on the boat as well. Your homework is to come up with a realistic number of naked bitches that can fit on a banana boat.

3. How influential will Young Thug’s Instagram account be in 2014 and beyond? 

It has already sparked a slew of think pieces, what’s to stop it from being even more influential? We can calculate Young Thug’s Klout score, but we can’t factor in the impact of his Instagram account solely. Rihanna has set the standard for Instagram account influence and she won’t be topped; however, Thugger’s penchant for fashion alphets and hand poses will be iconic for years to come. Busting out your finest alphet and most creative hand poses will be the new move for 2014, trust me. If you don’t know what hand poses to use, here are some examples by Young Thug himself: the shocker-gun hybrid, the middle finger, and the swag bestowal. Don’t let your hand poses stop there; come up with creative ones of your own and combine them with rap squats to fully stunt on your haters. So, to try and answer the question: only time will tell, but the sky is the limit.

This list doesn’t have to stop here, there are many other questions pining to be solved. These questions are better—and more relevant—questions to ask than a baseless inquiry derived from a portion of Young Thug’s life that we see on social media. Instead of focusing on trying to Mystery Team whether or not Young Thug is gay, we can focus on his music, which is where the discussion should have remained in the first place. Taskforce up and lay down your life to protect Young Thug from the haters.

Alex Hancock is willing to go to battle for Young Thug. He’s on Twitter: @hancxck.